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Pinocchio-City, USA: Where the Truth Goes on Vacation

In a bold — and suspiciously unanimous — vote, Congress has officially approved the renaming of Washington, D.C. to its more accurate modern title: Pinocchio-City. The decision, lawmakers say, “better reflects the core values and daily activities of the nation’s capital,” namely that telling the truth is optional and fact-checking is a hostile foreign concept.

The name change comes after decades of research by leading scholars who concluded that Washington’s most abundant natural resource is not cherry trees, not monuments, and certainly not bipartisanship — but lies. “We wanted a name that honors who we really are,” said one senator, whose nose extended noticeably during the statement. “The public deserves transparency… at least when it’s funny.”

Construction crews will soon begin modifications to federal landmarks to align with the new branding. The Washington Monument will be reshaped into a magnificent 555-foot nose, with officials insisting its length is “completely normal and definitely not compensating for anything.” The Lincoln Memorial will be renamed the “Jiminy Cricket Reflection Area,” a quiet public space where politicians can briefly pretend to have consciences.

Residents, meanwhile, are adapting to life in the newly rebranded metropolis. Tourist kiosks now sell complimentary lie-detector wristbands, and the Metro system’s outdated “See Something, Say Something” posters have been replaced with the more realistic slogan: “See Something, Spin Something.” International visitors are encouraged to pinch their passports to confirm they are awake.

Government agencies are also receiving new mottos. The Department of Justice adopted “Justice-ish,” and the Internal Revenue Service introduced its 2026 campaign: “We Can’t Lie, You Still Have to Pay.”

Despite the sweeping changes, officials insist the renaming project will cost “less than a cup of coffee,” which economists universally translated as “several billion dollars.” Still, citizens appear surprisingly optimistic. Many say the admission of dishonesty is at least a refreshing step toward honesty.

“If they’re going to lie,” one resident shrugged, “at least now the city’s name tells the truth.”